A Green Afterthought

You know what’s so crazy about God? When you’re having these moments that are sky-is-falling stressful, totally banking your foreseeable future on something working out just so and having no earthly idea whether this crazy thing you’ve been called to do can actually happen, God’s so big, he’s already worked out the problem before you know there’s a problem, let alone before it needs resolving. I have no idea what a problem as small as mine would look like when you know everything, probably not even discernible, which is the most comforting thing in the world to know when it seems like the sky is falling down on the micro level.

In other words, my problems are basically one infinitesimally small filament of how big God really is, but holy crow guys, if it’s not already obvious that my visa was approved, then yes, my visa was approved. Yesterday, before I wrote my last entry, even—they just hadn’t gotten around to calling me yet.

This is me a little more raw and unfiltered than usual because when I called to find out, I was in the middle of my afternoon shift at work. I had to hold back tears. That may surprise many of you who have done this before—what  made my situation unusual, though, are the facts that a. I couldn’t move forward in my preparations until I had it, b. couldn’t even return home to Oregon since they have my travel documents, and c. that I’d found out from CIE two days after I submitted my application that most of the educated guesses I’d made as I filled it out (sans any help or guidance whatsoever from my advisors, though that’s not their fault) were wrong. In fact, almost ¾ of the information on my application was incorrect; the only parts that were right were the info in my passport and the acceptance letters from the colleges…luckily, that’s apparently all I needed. The rest comes later because the rest of my visit is subject to so much change.

God has given me just enough to get by—time, information, money, everything—at every step in this process, all of it amounting to a giant, semester-long marathon of learning to trust God. The crazy part is I still haven’t gotten the message, not even now, but now I look up and see it looming over my head, waiting to wash over me like the most epic realisation I’ve ever had. That’s not hyperbole, either—God IS Semper Fidelis, like I’ve literally had engraved into my skin.

You guys, I’m such a control freak. I’ve known that for a long time and thought I was doing a pretty good job of fighting it, but apparently not. Anxiety is a sin. I don’t want to control my life—so why do I also want to control my life? Man, that’s messed up. A lot of things that seem like enormous deals at the time really aren’t…that may be one of the toughest lessons a control freak can ever learn.

Tough Love


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